I managed to keep chaste for almost seven days, then I got lucky again with my girlfriend on Friday night. And it was really great, this time. We had some foreplay, a nice seduction, but then it was a real masculine, selfish fuck, and a great come, the greatest since a long time in a girl. I was not wanking in her, as Jamie once so well put it to describe when you fantasize while fucking your partner and what's getting you off is your fantasy. I was using her, but I was using her! And she knew it and it turned her extra on. Being used. And that again turned me on more. That's how it's supposed to be, isn't it?
Was there a stupid moral reasoning of mine underneath, that made me feel that my chaste waiting for her had earned me the right to fuck her so selfishly? Maybe. Whatever.
Well, that's already three days ago. In the meantime I have failed my vow three times. Twice on Saturday morning, with little conscience problems, my reasoning being that no harm came from it for my chastity project, because the purpose I am doing it for is to save my hornyness for her, and wanking so closely after our fucking would make little difference to that effect.
And the third time a day later. For that I have no excuse, except that making the caption slight dysfunction got to me too much. I even was able to channel my energy and keep the vow while I was making it, but the following days I continued imagining being that girl on the bike. And that made me so horny, more, so in love with her that I simply couldn't help it! It's still an enormous effort for me not to relapse with her again. But I am trying seriously, because I believe in my project and in the good it is doing to both of us, my girlfriend and myself.
does she know anything? about you, your desires, this blog and so forth..
ReplyDeleteVery good news: you are a hope and an inspiration! I particularly like that our fantasies (sexualities?) don't have to be a barrier to "real masculine, selfish fuck"ing.
ReplyDeleteBefore the crash, I had asked if your girlfriend knew anything. Like, about your "girly" desires or so. Has she ever seen you wearing anything that's not for boys?
ReplyDeleteYes. First: thank you Mariana for your interest! That's really something that you want to know! And I am happy to tell. I was only waiting that blogger would restore the question, perhaps they will do it yet. Here's my answer:
ReplyDeleteIt is difficult two put it in a few words. She doesn't know of this blog. I don't exactly hide it, but I guess she'd prefer not to read it. She knows I am a porn fan. She isn't. Generally, at least. She once commented - smiling - that she knows more of my kink than I would imagine. That's good, that she knows and can smile about it. But lately - that is, for quite a long time already, she has always found a way to evade my attempts to involve her in my porn and my more kinky interests.
I have basically two kinks: TG and bdsm. She is quite ok with my TG fascination as long as I keep it in the closet, and also with (very) soft bdsm, but the harder stuff like part of my stories on this blog would certainly upset her.
When we were younger (25 years ago) we did more daring things in sex. For example, I once offered her garters and stockings, and she refused to wear them because she is a little self-conscious of her legs, and suggested that I should wear them instead, as I had the more beautiful legs of us both. (Possibly true at the time.) It was only half jokingly, so I did, and we both found it hot. For a couple of weeks, in a very hot phase of our sexual relationship, we alternated wearing them. We also both shaved completely. She wanted to have a lesbian experience with me, she said. It did not become a long time habit though. I think for her it was a nice experiment, but she preferred not to recognize it as a really strong desire of mine. And maybe it wasn't. It only became really strong a bit later when she went away for a year (studying abroad) and what I had left of her were occasional phone calls and letters - and her clothes.
A couple of years after this - we were living together now (like a married couple would) - we once were invited to a party with the motto "androgyn erotism". I was enthusiastic and we both went shopping for us. She played along but was a little shocked of how far I was taking it. Then on the party I was THE success! (I have to tell about it more extensively another time!) She found it fun and hot too, but was not happy with the public display of my delight in dressing up.
She is really a very open minded person, in theory, but when it comes to actually doing the things, she is quite conventional and so self conscious. And she is worried about the social reaction, or the reaction of family, or of our kids if it came out that makes her uncomfortable with my kink. But in bed she plays along to quite some extent: she knows for example and makes use of how much stimulating my nipples turns me on or her finger in my ass...
I have hopes that my actual campaign will lead her - us - to new territory. But it's not an easy task and success is not guaranteed.
I take advantage to react to the other comment that was herte before the crash. PerfectLips found it encouraging that someone with my (our) profile still was capable of a "selfish, masculine fuck".
ReplyDeleteI find it encouraging too. But I like to think that it is nothing special. I always found that limitations to roles in sex are mostly a pity and not natural. If you are human being and thus blessed with an imagination, so many good things are possible.
I am certainly much more submissive than dominant, but I can feel the kick in being dominant very well and play that part and enjoy it. That's what I did that night.
I am certainly much mor hetero than gay, but I agree with Bjork who once said in an interview: "I think everyone’s bisexual to some degree or another; it’s just a question of whether or not you choose to recognise it and embrace it. Personally, I think choosing between men and women is like choosing between cake and ice cream. You’d be daft not to try both when there are so many different flavours."
So she's more like your wife then, since you live together and have kids. It's gotta be harder that way to keep some more extreme stuff private, she probably really does know alot more about your desires than you think! ;) Either way, it's nice that she accepts to some degree your TG wills, it must be loads of fun! I don't see myself coming out to my girlfriend like that, I'm not sure if she would take it so well.. it would be great to wear stockings in bed though!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd hey, I'm pretty curious now about your success at the androgyn erotism party you mentioned. It must have been so awesome, hot! You must have good memories of that! I wish I had an opportunity like that and wouldn't be too shy to enjoy myself at it! :) I hope to hear more about that soon! maybe another nice and detailed blogpost?! :P
ReplyDelete